


Sorry About All The Sex Toys

by lola381pce



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Secret Santa, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Explaining Secret Santa To Thor Proves a Challenge and Takes the Whole Avengers Team, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, M/M, Natasha Is Not A Good Bro... Or Is She?, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Pre-Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Secret Santa, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, Steve Rogers Isn't As Innocent As SHIELD Thinks, Tony Stark Is Lost For Words, accidental gift giving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21935839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lola381pce/pseuds/lola381pce
Summary: Clint draws Coulson’s name for the Avengers Secret Santa which in itself isn’t a bad thing. It’s just unfortunate he uses the same wrapping paper for Coulson’s gift as he does for Natasha’s. Regrettably, he doesn’t realise his mistake until the Secret Santa gift reveals on Christmas Eve with all the Avengers.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Phil Coulson
Comments: 41
Kudos: 155





	Sorry About All The Sex Toys

**Author's Note:**

> This work is based on the following tumblr prompt: "I get your name during Secret Santa at work and use the same wrapping paper for my gift to my friend, so…sorry about all the sex toys"
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

_Now, Christmas Eve_ …

Natasha studies the expression on Clint’s face before leaning closer and whispering, “What’s the matter? You look like a startled rabbit.”

Clint turns his gaze to her, wide-eyed with horror. “Coulson! He’s got your present.”

Natasha raises an inquisitive yet unimpressed eyebrow.

“But I bought you… oh _fuck_! He’s opening it!”

*

And so, the shitshow in which Clint currently finds himself (otherwise known as Christmas Eve 2019) began like this…

* * *

_A week earlier…_

“Jeez Louise, Point Break,” groaned Tony, downing another mouthful of whisky. “At least try to keep up. Secret Santa. You pull someone’s name from a hat... “

“... and you buy them a present…” Steve continued with a crooked smile and a faraway look in his eyes. Fond memories were pretty rare for him given the number of times he was pounded into the Brooklyn sidewalk but apparently Secret Santa was one.

“...usually something amusing...” added Natasha, not looking up from her book, somehow managing to sound simultaneously bored and entertained. She hadn't experienced the tradition before S.H.I.E.L.D. but Clint and Coulson always included her in things they thought she might enjoy especially during holidays.

“...or a nice bottle of single malt…” Tony rattled the ice in his empty glass hinting for a refill. Everyone ignored him.

“...or something naughty...” Clint said with a lewd wink and a wicked smile. He'd often taken part, although like Natasha, not before S.H.I.E.L.D., or more specifically not before Coulson. The Barton family was more Shitscram than Christmas when it came to the festive season and the rest of his childhood - from foster homes to the circus - wasn't much better.

“...or single malt…” tried Tony again. With his unconventional childhood, it was Jarvis and Mrs Jarvis who'd introduced him to Secret Santa. His father barely registered the seasons of the year and his mother was usually too busy organising or attending events with the great Howard Stark to spend much time with her only son.

“... but you don’t tell them it’s from you,” finished Bruce, a shy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Secret Santa wasn't really his thing but he could get behind it for his Asgardian buddy.

As no-one was willing to take him up on it, a disgruntled Stark sighed heavily while he pushed himself off the couch and headed to the liquor cabinet to fix a refill. He was waylaid by Coulson, who deftly swiped the tumbler and replaced it with one of Stark’s chlorophyll smoothies.

Tony opened his mouth to protest but closed it with a snap when Phil levelled a steely gaze at him and murmured, “Taser, Supernanny, drool.”

Tony stared at him unblinking while considering his options then headed back to his seat, smoothie in hand, deciding (wisely) that perhaps he was due for one about now anyway.

Phil followed him stopping by the loveseat where Clint and Natasha were relaxing, draped over each other, to lean his thigh against it, arms crossed over his chest as he watched Thor make sense of the Midgard tradition of Secret Santa.

Thor wrinkled his nose and used large hand gestures to illustrate his understanding while he provided a summary of what he’d learned. “So, you pretend to be a jolly, rotund fellow in a red suit with a big white beard who appears but once a year and whom everyone believes in but no-one has seen, and as this man, you give a gift, completely without purpose, which is most likely to scandalise or bring joy to the recipient but causes hilarity for everyone else - and the recipient has no idea who has given it?”

The rest of the Avengers exchanged looks with each other and nod murmuring a chorus of…

“Pretty much.”

“Sounds about right.”

“Yeah.”

Thor looked at them all as though they’d all gone completely mad and slapped his thighs with his hands and laughed heartily.

“WONDERFUL, MY FRIENDS!” he bellowed. “I _like_ this tradition Let’s do it at once.”

The rest of the Avengers managed to talk Thor out of heading into Manhattan to shop for gifts there and then but by the time Christmas Eve rolled around a week later, he could barely contain his excitement.

* * *

_Now, Christmas Eve…_

“But I bought you… oh _fuck_! He’s opening it!”

Coulson pauses when he looks inside the box, his poker face giving nothing away as he deadpans, "Huh! Looks like my Christmas Day has suddenly become more entertaining than I thought it would be."

Tony cranes his neck from where he's sitting literally on the edge of his seat. "C'mon, Agent-Agent. Share."

"We showed you ours," Natasha adds, earning herself a betrayed look from Clint. She, of course, ignores it. And him. She has no idea what trouble Clint has managed to get himself into but she’s decided she’s not going to bail him out this time. Especially if it involves Coulson.

"'Tis only fair, Son of Coul," agrees Thor, a huge grin on his face. He desperately wants to see what gifts his shield brother has received. He’s thrilled with his book of customs and traditions from around Midgard and couldn’t get his bad taste Christmas pullover and reindeer antlers with flashing lights on quick enough when he opened the gift box from his Secret Santa (who, unknown to Thor, is actually his shield brother, the Son of Coul himself).

Clint's holding his breath and in danger of passing out when Coulson reaches in for the first item, a black leather paddle, which he places in front of him on the coffee table.

The room goes silent.

Even Tony's at a loss for words. Not about the sex toy, he's all for sex toys, but that someone has actually had the stones to buy Supernanny one. He slips his glasses to the end of his nose to peer over the rims in disbelief at the object which has stunned the rest of the team and takes a long swallow of his mulled wine.

“Wow,” he croaks, his eyes watering at the alcohol burning the back of his throat. Or perhaps at the image in his head of Coulson using the paddle on someone’s ass. Or worse/better, someone using it on Coulson's ass.

Traumatised, he finishes his wine and croaks "Literally wow," again in a flat tone.

After a moment’s unblinking scrutiny of the sex toy, Coulson once again delves into the depths of the box, although carefully this time as though he's defusing a bomb. The second item he retrieves is a black pouch. He unties the drawstring and slides back the satin slowly until a row of silicone anal beads about 10” in length is revealed.

Steve's eyes widen and he stifles an aborted laugh clearly recognising the item (Rogers is not quite the innocent Boy Scout he’s made out to be by the S.H.I.E.L.D. publicity wagon) and Bruce chokes on his eggnog, not so much at the gift itself but at seeing it in Coulson's hands as he unveils it bead by bead. Something tells Bruce the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent is doing it deliberately for dramatic effect, and he likes Phil a little bit more for it.

Finished the reveal at last, Coulson places it neatly beside the paddle.

The torture for Clint continues as Coulson takes his time removing each sex toy from the box, studying its packaging, rotating it in his hands to view it from all angles with great interest, before lining them up in a row with military precision. When he indicates the box is finally empty there lies on the coffee table: a remote-controlled vibrating butt plug, a life-like silicone vibrator with multiple pleasure settings, a set of soft leather wrist and ankle cuffs, a vibrating cock ring, a leather riding crop (which will “deliver stimulating pleasure through stinging pain” according to the box), a beaded glass dildo, the paddle and the anal beads, several bottles of water-based and silicone lube, condoms in various sizes and a box of toy/body wipes.

No-one moves, or breathes, for a moment.

"Apparently someone broke the agreed Secret Santa $50 limit," Coulson comments dryly, staring down at the contents of the box laid out before him, his face still unreadable. In reality, they _all_ had, including him, but that's another matter.

" _That's_ your concern?" asks Tony reaching over to snag one of the toys, receiving a sharp slap to the back of his hand from the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. Tony smirks at Coulson’s super fast reflexes and protectiveness of his presents as he pulls his hand back to nurse it better.

"High-quality silicone toys and lube. And I commend the addition of the wipes. Hygienic, dermatologically tested and bio-degradable. What else would I be concerned about?"

“Sure. Breaking the fifty bucks rule is definitely what you should be concerned about,” quips Bruce from behind his mug of eggnog not bothering to hide his amusement as his usual shy smile spreads to a wide grin.

"Does _anything_ actually rattle you?" enquires Tony, genuinely curious.

Coulson cocks an eyebrow and ponders his question. “I suppose it would depend on how high the butt plug setting gets programmed.”

"Literally. Wow," Tony repeats.

Steve snorts and chokes off another laugh. Pushing himself up from the couch he points to the kitchen and murmurs something about getting more popcorn. He’s unable to contain several loud guffaws as he walks away, however.

“As you say, my friend, a Day of Entertainment awaits you,” announces Thor in approval at the gifts. “Perhaps you could forgive your Secret Santa for their extravagance this one time.”

“Perhaps,” Coulson concedes as he packs the gifts back into the box. The half-smile curling up the corner of his mouth belies his own amusement.

“Well, fun as this was, and it was definitely fun if a smidge traumatic, I need food,” announces Stark, getting up from the couch still looking at Coulson in a kind of awed horror. “And more alcohol.”

“Good call,” says Bruce. “I’ll give you a hand.”

“Help me tidy up?” Natasha asks Thor gesturing at all the wrapping paper and packaging strewn around the sitting area.

“Of course, Lady Natasha. I am yours to command,” Thor replies with a bow holding out his hand to her as she gracefully rises to her feet. She takes his huge paw in hers and smiles. With anyone else, she’d have floored them. Except for Clint and Coulson; they'd have known better than to offer.

“Should I pass these on to... the intended recipient?” Coulson asks quietly, giving Clint a sideways glance as he stands with the box in his hands. “The strap on, the g-spot vibrator and the 10 function remote control love egg I _didn’t_ bring out of the box… kinda gave it away,” he clarifies at Clint’s surprised look. “No point in bringing forth the ire of The Black Widow on Christmas Eve. The fallout would have been horrendous.”

“Yeah, thanks for that,” Clint says, rubbing the back of his neck with this hand. “Look, I got your name for the Secret Santa, obviously, but I used the same wrapping paper for my gift to... well, the intended sex… toy... recipient so, um… sorry about all the sex toys.”

He trails off. He’s really not making things any better by explaining.

“Pity. I’m sure I could have put these to good use with the right Secret Santa.”

Clint swallows audibly and does a double-take. “You’d… be interested in that?” he asks in a pitch slightly higher than he's comfortable with. He clears his throat just in case he's required to speak again.

“With the right Secret Santa,” Phil repeats ducking his head, tilting it to the side to look up at Clint. The soft smile playing on his lips is just enough to crinkle the corners of Phil’s eyes already twinkling with mischief.

A slow grin spreads across Clint’s face. “Well, ho-ho-ho, little fella.”

Phil shakes his head looking aghast. “Don’t. Ever.”

Clint grimaces and holds up his hands placatingly. “I know. As soon as I said it. Um, do you think they know it was me?”

"They cleared the room more subtly than I would have given them credit for but... yeah, think it's safe to say they know it was you. And… pretty sure they believe one of us really enjoys having things that vibrate stuck up their ass. Stark is going to start calling me Buzz Lightyear. Or something equally appalling."

Clint snorts out a laugh then groans and facepalms. He peeks at Phil from between his fingers catching the affectionate Phil smile aims at him.

Phil switches the box to one arm and reaches up to touch the fingertips of his free hand to Clint’s face. He gently rubs his thumb across Clint's cheekbone before sliding his hand around to the back of Clint’s neck.

“Kiss me,” he instructs, his tone gentle but with a hint of command that Clint would be hard pushed to disobey.

“With pleasure,” Clint tells him as he leans in to press his lips against Phil's. “Merry Christmas, Phil.”

“Merry Christmas, Santa.”

**Author's Note:**

> Have a great Christmas or a chilled festive break and I hope “Sorry About All the Sex Toys” brought a grin with the gin. Thanks for dropping by, pulling up a chair, and staying awhile. Be lovely to hear from you if you'd like to leave a comment.


End file.
